It’s a widely known fact that 78% of kinksters don’t get as much play as they would like. Okay, I made up that number, but it’s gotta be close. Chances are you know people who are perpetually frustrated at other people having constant fun — while they get none. Or maybe you are one of those yourself. Regardless, you should know that everyone is in the same boat when it comes to finding play.
“If only I was 20 years younger, with a six pack, I’d have so much more fun.”
The easiest way out of dealing with your problems is to blame external factors. If only you were younger, more fit, lived in a bigger city, had more gear, you’d have all the fun, all the time. This is simply not true.
If it makes it any easier, I’ve met young guys in Berlin (The Gay Kink Mecca™ of the World) complaining there’s nobody interesting to meet. And people in major US cities, with world-class playrooms, complaining that everyone’s just looking for a quick fuck.
Then again, there are older, average sized guys in small cities having more fun than you.
Action Point: Stop blaming things you have no control over. External factors matter less than you think, and it’s a waste of time to blame them.
“Everyone is just looking to get a quick session.”
The second easiest way to escape the situation is to blame other people’s motives. You are looking for deep friendship, others are just want to get off and then vanish.
It is relatively rare to find an individual who prefers kink scenes with random people instead of people they care about. Most people prefer to form playing relationships, learning each others particular interests, and having deeper, mutual fun. Boundaries can be pushed with repeated sessions, and relationships can be developed out of this.
Why do we end up in random sessions? The same reason we have random sex, fail to eat healthily, avoid exercise, and smoke. Instant pleasure trumps delayed pleasure. And when we see other people on the hunt, we assume that’s the only way to go. Building a playing relationship takes time and effort, and it’s not always instant fun, so it’s easier to go online to jerk off to profiles and then complain how superficial everyone is.
Action Point: Be clear about what you want. Most people are open to deeper relationships, but you have to push beyond the surface. Meet people over coffee. Get to know them.
“Everyone just wants to sub. Why doesn’t anyone want to dom me?”
Finally, if you get over your appearance and other people’s motives, you still have The Sub Problem™. There are so many subs around, and so few doms, and the ones you find are all creepy in different ways. Why doesn’t anyone want to dom you?
If you look closely, you may see some irony here: first complaining that there are too many needy subs around, and then being one.
While it is true that subs are everywhere, and sane doms are not, the issue here is a bit deeper than that. When you complain about lack of domination in your life, it reveals that you look at the world through your own needs and supposed entitlements. Why don’t other people give me what I want? This is of course the exact same situation people face in all avenues of life: other people in the world seem to prioritize their own needs over yours, and so do you.
Action Point: “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.” -Zig Ziglar