My Writings. My Thoughts.

Video: Will rubrpain come before his air runs out?

// April 29th, 2017 // No Comments » // Video

Rubrpain is in tight bondage, and breathing from a SCUBA tank that’s nearly empty. Will he cum in time?

Why Doesn’t Anyone Want To Play With Me?

// March 30th, 2017 // No Comments » // Writings

It’s a widely known fact that 78% of kinksters don’t get as much play as they would like. Okay, I made up that number, but it’s gotta be close. Chances are you know people who are perpetually frustrated at other people having constant fun — while they get none. Or maybe you are one of those yourself. Regardless, you should know that everyone is in the same boat when it comes to finding play.

“If only I was 20 years younger, with a six pack, I’d have so much more fun.”

The easiest way out of dealing with your problems is to blame external factors. If only you were younger, more fit, lived in a bigger city, had more gear, you’d have all the fun, all the time. This is simply not true.

If it makes it any easier, I’ve met young guys in Berlin (The Gay Kink Mecca™ of the World) complaining there’s nobody interesting to meet. And people in major US cities, with world-class playrooms, complaining that everyone’s just looking for a quick fuck.

Then again, there are older, average sized guys in small cities having more fun than you.

Action Point: Stop blaming things you have no control over. External factors matter less than you think, and it’s a waste of time to blame them.

“Everyone is just looking to get a quick session.”

The second easiest way to escape the situation is to blame other people’s motives. You are looking for deep friendship, others are just want to get off and then vanish.

It is relatively rare to find an individual who prefers kink scenes with random people instead of people they care about. Most people prefer to form playing relationships, learning each others particular interests, and having deeper, mutual fun. Boundaries can be pushed with repeated sessions, and relationships can be developed out of this.

Why do we end up in random sessions? The same reason we have random sex, fail to eat healthily, avoid exercise, and smoke. Instant pleasure trumps delayed pleasure. And when we see other people on the hunt, we assume that’s the only way to go. Building a playing relationship takes time and effort, and it’s not always instant fun, so it’s easier to go online to jerk off to profiles and then complain how superficial everyone is.

Action Point: Be clear about what you want. Most people are open to deeper relationships, but you have to push beyond the surface. Meet people over coffee. Get to know them.

“Everyone just wants to sub. Why doesn’t anyone want to dom me?”

Finally, if you get over your appearance and other people’s motives, you still have The Sub Problem™. There are so many subs around, and so few doms, and the ones you find are all creepy in different ways. Why doesn’t anyone want to dom you?

If you look closely, you may see some irony here: first complaining that there are too many needy subs around, and then being one.

While it is true that subs are everywhere, and sane doms are not, the issue here is a bit deeper than that. When you complain about lack of domination in your life, it reveals that you look at the world through your own needs and supposed entitlements. Why don’t other people give me what I want? This is of course the exact same situation people face in all avenues of life: other people in the world seem to prioritize their own needs over yours, and so do you.

Action Point: “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.” -Zig Ziglar

10 Things You Shouldn’t Write on Your Recon Profile

// February 9th, 2017 // No Comments » // Writings

“I am pretty much willing to try anything once.”

Wait until you see my Makita power drill…


“Not into fakes and flakes”

Yeah, that should stop them…


“Bondage isn’t bondage until you want out”

Well, actually it is. And also, are you implying that you won’t let me out if I really need out?


“No drama”

Most people who are full Drama actually think they have none, so this doesn’t really help.


“=Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ = 93% Voyeur 88% Experimentalist 84% Dominant …”

These imaginary percentages are meaningless to 69% of kinksters.


“WARNING PRIVACY NOTICE: Any institutions using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects…”

This warning is meaningless, both in legal and scientific sense.


“Just ask.”

You do realize what the point of a profile text is?


“Not into underaged or anything illegal.”

If you were, you would still say that.


“Looking for something meaningful.”

Yeah, I guessed that already from the 36 dick pictures in your gallery.


“Thanks for reading this far.”

You do realize nobody will get that far, right?


Poppers, Eye Damage and Maculopathy

// January 26th, 2017 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized, Writings

Executive Summary: There is increasing evidence that using poppers of any formulation carries a risk of permanent damage to the fovea, the area of the human eye responsible for sharp vision. This damage can occur after first usage, or after decades of use. The exact mechanism of damage is not completely clear, but it is inherent in the way poppers work.

I rarely feel the need to educate fellow kinksters, but having done extensive reading on scientific literature about poppers and their capability to cause eye damage, and seeing all the misinformation and rumours spread around, I had to compile an up-to-date, plain term but scientific explanation of the danger of eye damage with poppers.

Disclaimer: While I have scientific training, I don’t have a medical degree and all information here is provided without any warranty of accuracy of any kind.

What exactly are poppers?

Poppers are a street name for a group of chemicals better known as alkyl nitrites. They originally came into medicine in the form of amyl nitrite, which was discovered to have a potent capability to expand blood vessels. This feature found use in the treatment of angina pectoris, a particular kind of chest pain resulting from narrowing of the blood vessels of the heart.

Amyl nitrite remained a medicine, and in fact in many places available freely over the counter. In 1969, the US Food and Drug Administration made it prescription only[1] when the increased use of it in raves and gay sex aroused the attention of the government. However, other variants of the chemical group, including isobutyl nitrite, isopropyl nitrite, pentyl nitrite, and cyclohexyl nitrite, have a mixed legal status in different countries.

In the European Union, isobutyl nitrite remained most popular until it was banned in 2007[2] based on the European Chemicals Agency classifying it as a potential cancer-causing chemical. This resulted in European poppers shifting to isopropyl nitrite. For legal and liability reasons, poppers are invariably sold as not designed for human consumption (usually as ‘leather cleaners’ or ‘room odorizers’), which is also unfortunately why they don’t need to be labeled with detailed ingredients.

How do they work, and what is the difference between the different chemicals?

All members of the alkyl nitrite group work the same way, however, different members have different volatilities[3], which may affect how they feel. The mechanism still remains the same: all poppers cause a chemical called nitric oxide to be released into the bloodstream, which causes a rapid expansion of blood vessels, a drop in blood pressure, and an euphoric feeling we all love.

A lot of popper users report particular affinity to certain brands (such as ‘Rush’ or ‘Jungle Juice’). However, as most countries have only one or two legal variants of alkyl nitrites, and as all alkyl nitrites have a similar mechanism of effect, this feeling is more likely caused by both the label effect (seeing a label on a product changes your opinion of the product), and variations in bottles being fresh or stale, poorly manufactured, and so on. Additives in poppers are not regulated and may also explain why different poppers feel different.

What’s the deal with eye damage?


Yellow spots on the fovea (A) and damage to the nerves of the fovea (B), from [10]

Similar damage, from [12]

Very unfortunately, nitric oxide has another effect on the human body. It interferes with a special enzyme in the human body (guanylyl cyclase), which is responsible for a lot of things. One thing it is responsible is the controlling how the retina in the eye adjusts to light[4], although this effect is not completely understood yet[5]. Nitric oxide has been linked to excessive light causing damage to the eye[6], and specifically blocking the effect of nitric oxide has been shown to protect the eye from light damage[7].

So because poppers get their effect from nitric oxide, and it also interferes with the retina, there have been numerous well documented cases of poppers use immediately causing damage to the fovea, the area of the retina responsible for central, sharp vision. In some cases, there has been recovery of eye function after poppers use was discontinued[8][9], but in many other cases, the damage appears permanent[10].

It is also a possibility that simultaneous use of certain erectile dysfunction drugs (such as Viagra), and/or HIV medication adds to the mechanism causing the eye damage[11] because of how
the human body metabolizes those drugs.

How big is the risk?

There are a few dozen well-documented cases in the scientific literature. However, as this phenomenon is not well known even by eye doctors, it’s probably underdiagnosed and the true victim count is much higher. A simple Google search for ‘poppers eye damage’ reveal hundreds of discussion board messages detailing people’s issues with poppers and unexplained vision problems.

Because of this, the true incidence of eye damage is not known.

How can I stay safe?

That’s the sad part. The only way to stay safe is not to use poppers. The damage to the eyes is not linked to any particular brand, or formulation of poppers, and neither is it linked to how much you use them. Some cases in the medical literature describe situations where first ever use of poppers has resulted in damage, and in some cases, it’s been after decades of use.

Life is a calculated risk. I enjoy poppers immensely, but the risk of permanent eye damage is too great to take for a quick high.

Further Reading

[1] http://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/cdrh/cfdocs/cfCFR/CFRSearch.cfm?CFRPart=250&showFR=1&subpartNode=21:4.0.1.1.16.2
[2] http://eur-lex.europa.eu/LexUriServ/LexUriServ.do?uri=OJ%3AL%3A2006%3A033%3A0028%3A0081%3Aen%3APDF
[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poppers
[4] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4289840/
[5] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20171265
[6] http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMc1005118
[7] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7507723
[8] http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/08820538.2014.962175
[9] http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/08820530490882292
[10] http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(14)60887-4/fulltext?rss%3Dyes
[11] http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/aos.12753/full
[12] http://search.proquest.com/openview/4995733a48abcee30d5701cc96e22c41/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=33647

Video: TacticalJackal puts Trikoot on the operating table

// December 22nd, 2016 // No Comments » // Video

Visited TacticalJackal in Florida in December, 2016. He was kind enough to tie me up on his awesome US Military Field Operating Room Table and subjecting me to unrelentless tormenting.